all my old stuff
all my old stuff
Monday, 2 January 2006
all my old stuff from live journal
Mood: chillin'
Topic: 2005
this is all I have online from live journal of 2005

Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
4:12 pm Discovering the Waterfront
I will promise myself I won’t care
distracting myself from your stare
and I've seen this mistake once before
with your games I will never fall for
I've hung up my guns....
I won’t kill again!

I won’t forget you! (I won’t forget you)
I’m not going to let you win!
but I’m tired of lying!
tired of fighting you!
and it’s not going to change
you ask for my heart
you know I’m down
but not the way you lie to me, you tear it all apart and beg for me to say
I sail off to sea, I’m not coming back

count me down
make that sound
when you know it makes no sense
counting down
until you mess around
when I know you can’t ever change
why am I trembling?
throw it overboard
when I’m ready to we'll progress
counting down
make that sound
break the silence!
Pretend it's not for never,
I'll pull myself together
I'll say that I'll forget her,
I'll breathe.
And I'll say she never hurt me,
And look at it as learning,
And laugh about the good and the bad.
Because I won't live forever
We don't belong together,
I know I'll be all better,
One day when I can make it through.

Thursday, July 28th, 2005
8:08 pm and it's ridiculous

8:06 pm P.S. EVERYONE KNOWS I MISS HIM

8:04 pm fuck, me and isiah NEVER get along! we're always fighting about something and i just can't take it anymore. i want him to move out. i want him to go live with dad. this is getting unbearable and i don't know what to do anymore. i try to be reasonable with him but he always has to have his own way. and then i get violent and i don't know why. i have to start trying to control myself but thats always my first reaction. and then he hits back, but hes bigger and im betting it hurts worse, hes been threatening to punch me in the face for like two weeks. i always feel like a little bitch cause im always the one left crying on the ground. sometimes i hate my life so incredibly much. i don't know what to do anymore. i want to talk to a professional i think, and i know that sounds weird cause most people would be like, screw that, but i don't know what else to do. im scared im going to mess up my grade 12 year just like i do with school every year. i always say im going to change and i always do the same thing. procrastinate. i have to kick the habit or else im not going to get into any university.. if that's what i choose to do. i have no clue yet. i don't seem to know anything anymore. except that i like my new piercing! my labret. isiah hates it but i don't give a fuck cause i like it, for the time being... it'll probly just be a phase but for right now i like it. i needed something different.

im going to holly's tonight! that should get me in a better mood, i think i already am.... writing about how i feel just makes it so much better, now maybe i can have fun. i don't know what we're doing but i'm staying the night so it should be fun.


Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: walls - emery

Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
12:04 am so much has changed
wow, i haven't written in forever! i've started writing in a journal, the old fashioned way, but im online and bored so i figured i might as well. since the last time i wrote, me and jp broke up after six months, i had another relationship for a few months, but we're just friends now, i like it cause i didnt have the chance to get in so far i leave with a broken heart. i'm certainly not going to live my entire life like that, but i just dont really want a serious, long-term relationship right now. it's summer and i want to have fun because once school starts i REALLY have to focus, more than ever, its my grade 12 year! i can't believe it... its kind of scary, but exciting.
i don't work at mcdonalds anymore, i work at a hot dog stand, the weiny stand lol its pretty good, 8 bucks an hour, paid up front so no taxes come off, and i get tips. saturdays are the best cause its really busy then. and this really hot guy from summer school last year works at the canadian tire where we set up in front of, i hadnt seen him since last summer, and he got sooo much hotter, he lost a lot of weight. hes a surfer and i think hes gorgeous lol i think im going to bed now though, i definately want to write on here some more though.
laterrrr :)

Current Mood: content
Current Music: relapsing - boys night out

Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
7:19 pm the weather has no impact on my mood !
today was an awesome day and i dont know why. i'm just in a really good mood! it's been pouring rain all day and i woke up to thunder and lightning, but i don't care, its melting the snow and that's awesome, i want the summer to come so badly. i hope its hot!
i had my first driving lesson today, i'm learning in standard so it's a bit harder but it's still fun. my driving instructor's name is les and he's really cool, he's from the u.k. and he had some funny stories for me about when he taught john, james and pat.
and i didn't have any thoughts about rs! lol i love jp so much, rs is just a crush. i know i can control myself :)
i have to go do some homework now though, i might write again later..

:D

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: remember to feel real - armor for sleep

Monday, January 10th, 2005
8:54 pm stressin'
It's nearly 9 o'clock, and I'm just as bored as I've been all day. Classes went by really slow today, especially french :/ soooooo boring. Thank God it's only a few more weeks until a new semester, with all new classes! I'm pretty pumped. I have so much work to do before exams though... oh boy. And I really should be doing my school work right now but I need a break. I've only worked for like 15 mintues lol I'm a real procrastinator. It's really bad. It's gotten to the point where it isn't really even procrastination anymore, I just don't do what I'm supposed to. And that has to stop. RIGHT NOW ok I'm gonna go do my homework now. I may write more later.

Sunday, January 9th, 2005
10:19 pm fun (fuckin freezing) day : ) lol
This morning John and his dad picked me up at 10:30 (waaaaaaaaay too early, I was a mess) and we went out to Shubenacadie? cause they were racing rally cross. It was so much fun. I got to go out on the track with them, only as a passenger of course, I just got my beginners, and his dad said that next time they go I can drive lol that should be interesting. We were there from like 11 till 4:30 and it was extremely cold so we spent most of the time in the warm car, except for when they had to race. Everyone there knows sooo much about cars though, and I know absolutely nothing. I guess I'll be learning lots though, my boyfriend is obsessed with cars, and he's building one right now.
I'm too tired to really write anything, but I haven't written in a couple days so I thought I'd write a little something.

I love John :)

Thursday, January 6th, 2005
8:49 pm booooored
I'm just sittin here, another boring day. I have so much school work I could be doing but I always seem to find something better? to do. So I'm talking online to an old friend lol who I never really even hang out with. I just used to paddle at the same club as him and even then we never talked, but at parties we would hang out, and we always talk online...its weird cause sometimes when we saw eachother we wouldn't even talk, but online we talk about everrrrrrything. I kinda like it but I wish he didn't live so far away, so we could hang out. Every time we made plans it would never work out.
more later though, The O.C. is on!
(Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
8:32 pm dad's gone : (
I always used to keep a journal when I was younger, and I wish I had never stopped. I love writing down my thoughts and lately I've really wanted to start writing again, about the good and the bad...
So... my dad. I love him, and he's a really great person, but he has a bad temper. He's definately never hit us or anything but he's definately abused us verbally. A couple months ago my parents had a really bad fight, and my mom said she wanted a divorce, but she never really followed through. That night I ran off to my best friend's house, and scared the hell out of them cause they didn't know where I was. Things quickly blew over and went back to normal.. he always apologized after a big blow up, but it would always stay the same. So about a month ago they had another big fight, he called Mom names and finally she said enough's enough. And here we are a month later, and Dad lives in an apartment 20 minutes away. But the weird thing is, my parents are getting along better than ever. I think Dad's really trying to be a better person, and control his temper better. So Christmas was totally fine, it was actually the best one yet. And my parents seem to be good friends, they still talk and they're not fighting for custody or any of that stupid shit you hear about when marriages end. When all this first happened it was so awkward to be in a room with them because they hadn't talked for a week, but once they did and they straightened things out, it seems to be a lot better. So now you know one of the major things going on in my life right now... I hope things feel more normal soon, I don't know if I'll ever get used to not having my dad in the house. It's hard to tell which would be worse, if he stayed, or that he's gone...

i hate piczo and livejournal .. i heart tripod
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Postal Service
I've been trying to do this online journal thing but none of the sites I've used are appealing to me. Now I have tripod :) I just put all of my old entries on this site... sorry it looks a bit messed up.
Today I ran a bunch of errands. I returned some terrible headphones that were bigger than my head, I wanted big, but not that big I guess. They looked terrible. And I put a bunch of money in the bank, that I AM NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH UNTIL MIAMI! I have to save it, or atleast use it for Miami related materials, like buying new bathing suits or tanning oil and stuff. I dropped off CK's Sex and the City season's 3 and 4 and picked up 2 disks of season 5 which I just finished off tonight hah I chilled and watched it all night. I needed a night in after last night.
I called KB last night to see what he was up to and we ended up hanging out with some friends of his at work. I was the designated driver. KB also had to work at 11:30 but drank anyways and said he's done it before and it was fine. It was NOT fine last night. He got LOADED and could barely even stand up so he pretty much fucked himself. It's a really long story but eventually he showed up to work late and they all knew he was drunk and they wouldn't let him in. He's in a lot of trouble, possibly could get fired.. at least his parents don't know yet? That's the only positive thing about the situation. So today I returned his lap top and cell phone that he left in my car along with the rest of my errands. That was pretty much my day today/last night. Plus some homework. I'm acutally not leaving it all until Sunday! It's amazing!
But yeah, my new year's resolutions aren't really going as planned, I mean sort of but not really. OK, I didn't eat any McDonald's, so that's good. And I did go to the gym...once. But the homework thing isn't going as good as it should be. I'm keeping up with the new stuff teacher's have assigned but not the stuff I still have to catch up on. :/

this month everyone will break their new year's resolutions that they're supposed to keep for a year
Thursday, January 5th, 2006
7:45 am NO ONE PISSES ME OFF QUITE LIKE HIM
I can't wait to move the fuck out of this house and away from Isiah! FUCK !!! He's such a fucking idiot and I fucking hate him. ACTUAL HATE! I'm so pissed off right now I wouldn't care if I never saw him again. He's a dick about everything. And then he goes in my room to watch tv and expects me not to care! He touches my shit, he used to eat in there cause I have satellite and he leaves his fucking garbage. Now he shows up at my friends parties and I've had it up to fucking here with him! I have a headache from yelling at him so much !
Pissed Off
Current Music: There's No "I" In Team - Taking Back Sunday
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
4:21 pm
I'M GOIN TO MIAMI ! It's official, Dad gave me my ticket today. Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
8:13 am Freaking out
Today I go back to school after 2 weeks of Christmas vacation and nothing but slacking. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about all of the stuff I have to do. All of the stuff I SHOULD have been doing over break but didn't and now it's all piled up and I'm probably going to get even more homework. I want to die. Today I'm going in the library at lunch and working on french, and then on my free, and then when I get home from school. Plus exams are in a month, less than actually, so I have to start studying for those. I HATE SCHOOL! But at least I know what I want as a career now after high school and university... I think. I want to be a social worker. I feel pretty strongly about it, I just need to talk to some people to see what it's really all about. I have to keep my new year's resolution and work work work... am I cut out for it though? I'm just going to have to be I guess. Anyways, I'm going to go get my stuff together, possibly vomit because I'm so nervous and then go to school. I'll write tonight AFTER I do a shitload of work. AFTER. I can't keep procrastinating.

Monday, January 2nd, 2006
9:16 am I Can Make A Mess Like Nobody's Business
Again, I haven't written in ages but I feel I should ring in the new year writing again. I've been writing in my journal at home but I like the cyber world better I guess. It's quicker and everyone's in a rush.
I may have made a huge mistake.. I broke up with my best friend, or atleast we're "on a break" whatever the fuck that means. I just don't feel the same, and it's my own fault, but I honestly believe everything happens for a reason so everything with work out, right?
Was the mistake breaking up with him or going out with him in the first place? Sometimes I think I was just convincing myself of something that wasn't there. I love him, but sometimes I wonder if it's only in a friend way. He won't understand. He probably thinks we're going to get back together, and a part of me kind of thinks that but I don't know. I feel pretty strong about this.
And since John I've had a boyfriend pretty much non-stop... I said after Matt (..) that I wanted to be single. NO BOYFRIEND. I just need some time for myself. I don't want to be dependant on a guy right now, not that I am. I just want some time for myself, and I just want to have fun and not worry about bullshit relationship stuff. I know I won't feel that way forever but that's how I feel now. And I'm going to Quebec for school soon and I don't want to get attached.......... anyways, breakfast's ready. I'll write again later.

Current Music: Whispering Actually-I Can Make A Mess Like Nobody's Buisness